Day 43: MY SEX IS SO AMAZING (PART 2)

Click here to see part one.

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From: Davey C pimpin4guns@hotmail.co.uk

Date: Tue, 2 Feb 2010 21:49:41 +0000

To: masante86@gmail.com

Subject: Word up Show!

Hey man whas happenin? Blood where you gon on dat Twitter shit - was tryin find u but u gone man!!

My man DJ JamJahz made dis well bizting vid of yo new track "So AMazing" and peeps were chattin 2u bout it on twitter but you be gone, man...

ANyway\z check out the vid let me know what ya feelin. Sound is whack but dat shit aint how we roll ye fuck that geek shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNNEd7CFXpI&feature=player_embedded

U still lookin 4 yo leadin lady? Blood u shud check out ma sister she is well bangin-fit for reeal.

Massive respect love yo work keep it real 4 real.

DAVE-E C LONDON CREWE (Massive UK england 4real)

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From:	masante86@gmail.com
Sent:	02 February 2010 21:51:25
To:	Davey C (pimpin4guns@hotmail.co.uk)

Hey send some pics of her bruv.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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From:	Davey C (pimpin4guns@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent:	10 February 2010 12:24:41
To:	masante86@gmail.com

Yo word up word up Sorry for the slownees on this bruv - i got some snaps and that but want to realtalk that shit with my sisters boyfriend - hes my main man y'no so I want 2 to try get somehin a little drrrrty 4 u to give ya a FULL idea of what we're chattin bout here for real. I aint sayin I would cos she's my sister and yeah but hell man that shit is off the hook!!

Yo yo my main man JamJah wants 2 kno what you think of da video review I sent ya - he works in TV over here in da UK and wnts 2 know if he can get an early copy of yr album for a project he's workin' on - could get your ass involved in some of that BROAAAD-CAST shit you hear?

Let me know bruv could be slick - will get my sis's man to get snappin on that dirty shit.

Peace out show (real talk).

DAVE-EC LONDON CREWE

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From:	Michael Asante (masante86@gmail.com)
Sent:	10 February 2010 15:29:57
To:	Davey C (pimpin4guns@hotmail.co.uk)

Davey,

No worries bruv. I aprpeciate the word you are putting out there for me.

It is much appreciated! We would love to get down with your team and make things happen in the UK. I took a look at the video and I love it.

Give me your infor and I'll give you a call bruv.

Phone #

BlackBerry PIN#

Anything you can give me. We are moving quick with things right now and me and my team are ready to blow.

Get back to me as soon as you can.

Appreciate the lvoe and the feedback brother.

Much love.

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From:	Davey C (pimpin4guns@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent:	11 February 2010 22:19:31
To:	masante86@gmail.com
	1 attachment LEGGGS BI...jpg (25.1 KB)

For real bruv - I need to speak to my man JamJahh and 2 get 4 his details and shit 4u so we can HOOK THAT SHIT UP.

HE works on this TV channel called Ideal World and if he can sort it we could be able to get your CD shown on that shit 4real. Need JamJah 2 sort shit out first though man and U might need 2 send some pictures and shit - keepin it real 4 real but not too real coz his boss Ethel aint usual featurin this kind of wicked shit on the show, but 4 U Show we can WORK THAT SHIT OUT cos we got to make Ideal World THE IDEAL WORLD, you feel?

But wait up hold up my little sisters man came up good and I got U a good shot of that ass man - let me know if you into that shit, bruv I know she's my sister and I AINT SAYIN I WOULD, but you KNOW I been thinkin about that shit A LOT.

Gon' speak to JamJah bruv will try 2 hook u up with a number

DAVE-E C (Massive 4Real London)

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Day 29: Facebook Phantoms

Yesterday Facebook informed me that someone had commented on my status update - when I followed the link however, they hadn't.

But of course, they did. These phantom messages usually appear from people you don't know all that well - strangers from the past who leave a comment, but then retract the decision immediately afterwards - most likely because it was over familiar, or excessively narky (two assumptions based on personal experience).

It's a shame, because I often think these messages would be the most interesting of all - what was so bad about it that you decided to delete it afterwards? Could it really be that fruity?

Regardless, whenever someone does it to me I always do it back to them immediately- just to freak em out a bit - make them think that I must have seen what they wrote, and responded by commenting on their status, before then also removing my response because they'd deleted the original message.

Alternatively, I've devised another brilliantly sadistic game you can all play - just start commenting and deleting all over the place. People will keep clicking to see what you've said, but it'll always be gone by the time they get there.

Obviously when you get people posting stuff like: "Do I look fat in this dress?" you've hit a fucking goldmine.

Go on, have a bash. If you're ever confronted, blame the internet.

Day 18: MY SEX IS SO AMAZING

Last week I tweeted in despair of the fact that all urban R&B songs sound utterly identical, and that I seem to be spending a seriously unhealthy quantity of my life listening to it in the office. For the record I don't regard myself as being a music snob, and I'm sure I'd find the genre much more enjoyable if listening to it didn't make me lose all respect for myself as a human being.

Upon mentioning the phrase R&B of course, I instantly recieved this incredible piece of targetted advertising, recommending that I check out some hot Toronto R&B by Show Stevens. A message I recieved from a man called Show Stevens. If you want to check out the song, you can download it from here.

My initial reaction was that I should just tell this guy to fuck off. Then I had a much better idea: I'd tell him to fuck off, then I'd give the guy the publicity he's been gunning for by reviewing his latest track: "So Amazing"; a song which tells a tale of a man who's going to have sex with a woman, and that's a really good thing for the woman, because this guy's sex is so amazing that it'll make her go crazy, because his sex is so amazing.

That's just my interpretation of the lyrics of course, but you should feel free to divine your own from the opening lyrics:

Oh. Oh (yeah baby).
We gone do it like this, girl.
I'm a touch your body like this, girl.
We gone have sex like this, girl.
My sex is so amazing; make you go crazy (go crazy).

Then of course I realised that someone like me reviewing the track wouldn't really be objectively sound, so with this in mind I decided that someone else should review the track:

I think it's important that they also get to see the fruits of their efforts - so please, post the below message into Twitter so we can see what Mr. Show Stevens thinks of this video review of his song.

Awesome video review of Toronto R&B legend #ShowStevens latest track check it out: http://tinyurl.com/ycxsohc

I've specially used a different Youtube account that doesn't have my face all over it to see just how far we can take the joke, so please don't mention me and @ShowStevens in the same tweet. Also, if you could take a moment to post a faux-genuine comment on the video itself, that would be brilliant. There's literally no reason for any of this other than the joy of senselessly confusing the shit out of a total stranger.

EDIT: Fuck fuck fuck. Three days of preparation, and it's all gone pear shaped - it seems that @ShowStevens has been banned from Twitter for spamming, throwing a serious wrench into the works of my master plan.

CHANGE OF PLAN: I've got his fucking email address. Please Tweet the above message and rate the video - once we've got enough buzz going on, I'll contact him directly. Keep an eye on the blog over the next week for an update!

Personally I like to think of this as an elaborate experiment driven by a cheeky sense of spam justice. My girlfriend thinks I'm just somewhat dangerously baiting a large black guy from Canada.

But fuck it, let's see what happens - chances are it'll be funny. Hell, he might even want to meet up in London to hang out with my crew. Failing that, can you think of a more amusing way to be brutally killed by a gang? No matter how fond of me you may be, you have to admit - you'd find it difficult to not have a cheeky grin at the funeral.

Remember to keep sending pictures of men wearing dresses to Masante86@gmail.com in order to be in with a chance of being the 'leading lady' for the official video for 'So Amazing', and encourage everyone you know to pass on the video review.

Day 16: CHAIRS FER DEGS

I noticed a comment on fellow one-a-day chap Sean Bell's blog yesterday which didn't quite fit in. It didn't seem like spam, as it didn't appear to be hawking anything - but at the same time it seemed like too clean a response to realistically appear after the article.

Looking into the account further, it was clearly spam. But here's the thing; it was spam that didn't appear to lead to anything. Well, actually it led to this website.

Chairs for dogs. Modern chairs for dogs. But it's still not selling me anything. I've clicked the shit out of everything on the page, and there's nothing to buy. No penis enlarging pills. No African Princes in peril. There's not even any fucking dog furniture to buy, let alone "Modern dog furniture that are eco friendly." I've seen stuff like this before, and I just don't understand the point of it all. There might be a idiot with a Mastercard sat right here. They're missing out. Where's the link? Where's the scam? Some product placement at least, surely?

If anyone has any insight please let me know, because IT'S DOING MY HEAD IN. xx

EDIT: All round genius and general nice chap Jay Sorrels has kindly explained this to me now - essentially by reading this entry you've been playing into the hands of some nefarious bastards fixated on selling you environmentally friendly canine sofas. But let's be honest - it was worth it.