Day 32: Hangover Tips

Hangovers are awful - and whilst there's no decent cure, over the years i've developed a fairly strong collection of battle tactics for dealing with these evil beasts. There's a lot of mumbo jumbo banded about within the subject: Not long ago I endured an insatiable cunt on the telly waxing lyrical about the benefits of rubbish lime into your armpits and jogging on the spot, which was a stark reminder of the insane amount of useless advice thrust around the world on a daily basis.

So here we go - a selection of tried and tested hangover recovery/prevention techniques:

POWERADE!

Or Gatorade - if it's still about in the UK...? - isn't like ordinary energy drinks, because it contains 'electrolytes'. Amazingly, this isn't just a pseudoscience buzz word: Electrolytes cause your body to rapidly absorb whatever they're mixed with, which means that whilst a glass of water will eventually rehydrate your dry, shrivelled brain, Powerade will do it remarkably quickly - knocking the edge off an immobilizing headache in around 20 minutes, and zapping away that evil dried mouth feeling very quickly indeed.

SPLISHY SPLASHY

Great trick I learnt from an American barman - when you wake up with a cracking headache, this is often caused by your body reacting to the withdrawal of alchohol. It may sound obvious - and dangerous - but if you literally just add a tiny splash of spirits to a glass of water, this new tiny influx can often be enough to get your brain to CHILL THE FUCK OUT a bit.

GIVE ME NUROFEN

This should never become habitual, but a ibuprofen breakfast can really get you out of a tight spot - removing the crippling brain pain for long enough for your body to get itself in gear a bit and start moving around. If you suspect that tomorrow may not be pretty, popping a couple before you go to sleep will usually sort you out a right treat while you sleep.

PLENTY OF WATER

Obvious obvious advice, but it's amazing how much of a difference this makes. Most hangovers can be mostly avoided by drinking at least 2 pints of water before you go to bed. If you're battered, stay up and drink 4 of 5 pints - this will usually require you to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning while you placate yourself with television or videogames, but being sleep deprived and clear headed is usually much more preferable than going to bed early and waking up with the apocalypse inside your head. Usually people think it's more important to eat something - but this only works earlier in the night: Whacking a kebab in your stomach and passing out will not help your hangover, whereas downing a pint of water will. If your head is spinning when you close your eyes - don't fall asleep!

BUT NOT TOO MUCH WATER...

This applies more to the following day - if you're not careful then too much water will wash out your body's salt levels, which will make you feel rough. If you're not aware of this, it's easy to just keep drinking water to try and make yourself feel better, which won't work. The best way to avoid this:

HAVE A FRY UP

Go on, bacon is brilliant.

VITAMIN B, BITCH

Really takes the edge off that whole 'oh my god I want to destroy the universe with my fucking fists' vibe. Drinking totally depletes your Vitty B reserves, so the sooner you can top this up the better. Most people usually go mad for the C, as it's notoriously percieved as being the happy juice and everyone loves oranges - but in reality topping up what you've lost should be a priority.

HAVE ANOTHER?

If you've already downed enough drinks to get you into this state, then one more tin of lager is hardly going to make a difference. Waking up and having a booze breakfast feels remarkably wrong, but the benefits massively outweigh the negatives; just one drink will remove your headache, and make you feel tons better for the rest of the day.

And fuck it, you don't have to be back in work until Monday.

EDIT: Oh, and please feel free to share your own tried and tested techniques, just so I don't feel UTTERLY ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE. Comments shouldn't be locked, so it won't involve much faffing. xx

Day 30: Happy Snaps

Some straight up recommendations today: I often get asked how I make photos on my iPhone look really cool. The answer to this, is that I stalk the every move of the brilliant @MrMelanin, taking everything interesting he says or finds and claiming it as my own personal brilliant discovery without a morsel of shame. On that note, let me tell you about some brilliant iPhone apps I've discovered.

The iPhone camera is rubbish - which is why if you're not using at least one camera app, you're missing out. People pay a small fortune for shit cameras, so why not just pimp out the one you have on your phone? By using some of the wonderfully simple programs below you'll be quickly whipping up all sorts of magic photos and - surprisingly - turning the ability to take photos on your phone into a fairly engaging and fun activity to pass the time.

I considered a top 5 on this one, but it feels a little excessive - so here you have my top three essential iPhone Camera apps. Buy em all: It'll set you back less than four quid, and for the number of gawking idiots you'll be impressing on facebook it'll work out at each vapid grin costing less than a penny.

Tilt Shift Generator

Incredibly little application that lets you play around with a variety of sliders to change the way the image looks, creating an overall 'toy camera' feel. Even without any tweaking you'll find the app brings the rather dull pallette of the iPhone camera to life quite nicely. Having said that, the examples i've included are just my personal taste, and there's scope to create really interesting washed out, paler imagery.

Unlike many of the other similar apps you'll find however, the custom tweakable nature of the blur position, spread,shape and intensity make the process of tweaking a photo feel handcrafted, and there's a lot of joy to be had in taking previously dull photos from your phone and turning them into something really visually engaging.

The above might sound techy, but one of the best features of the app is its traditionally minimalistic Japanese style; slick, intuitive, and wonderfully minimalist. As well as taking photos from scratch with it, you've also got the ability to touch up photos you've taken using the normal iPhone camera; I have a lot of fun from time to time just playing around images to see what I can create - the hands-on nature and creative control you get make it feel really satisfying.

After you've had a fiddle about, you can then either save a copy of the tweaked image to your phone, email it, or post it directly to twitter through the app. Lovely.


QuadCamera

Made by the same guys as TiltShiftGen, this little beauty lets you take cool little animation style shots. Simple, sure - but it's still brilliant if like me you always fancied a film camera that did it but could never justify the cost. There's a whole bunch of fun tweaks to take advantage of here, which let you choose the total number of shots to be taken in sequence as well as the time interval between each snap. Whilst not as satisfyingly tweaky as TiltShift, you've also got a nice selection of non-gimmicky image styles to be applied too.

It's hardly groundbreaking, but it's without a doubt the most immediately fun camera app on the iPhone - hand it to someone to have a play and you're guaranteed to entertain them for a good few minutes. I also really like the way the hurried snapshots are often handled badly by the shoddy iphone camera - it usually creates these wonderfully blurry dreamscape style narratives punctuated by brief moments of clarity. But then again, I'm a pretentious prick at times.


It's worth noting for both of the above apps that the support for these is excellent - they seem to be continually adding functionality and improvements to both these apps at no additional cost; QuadCamera in particular is likely to soon have a .gif export function, allowing you to literally make tiny animations using your phone. Awesome.


Hipstamatic

A totally different kettle of fish to the previous two apps, this one's a lot less minimalist - if anything there's slightly too much faff to glug through before it lets you actually take photos. There is however, something absolutely delicious about the entire package; letting you switch between lenses with a flick of your thumb, recreating a traditionally minimal viewfinder window on the iPhone screen - which literally flashes when using the entirely processed effect - there's something wonderfully tactile about the entire experience; almost as if you actually have a camera in your hands.

It's my personal favourite of all of the polaroid-style iPhone apps, coming with three different virtual lenses which create very cool looking photos without any need for tweaking. My love for this app is a little odd - it even has the nerve to include optional additional purchases within the app itself, letting you buy further virtual lenses and effects to unlock the application's full potential. But it's all just so darn charming that even the virtual shop bits they've integrated into the app just make you feel like you're playing a brilliant videogame about taking polaroid photos.

Overall, it's a slick package that creates swish looking polaroid-esque snaps - which is all you need to know. Hipstamatic is a pretty accurate name - there's something irritatingly and knowingly 'cool' about the whole thing, but despite this having a quick play around with it always leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy inside.


So there you have it - get snapping.

Day 29: Facebook Phantoms

Yesterday Facebook informed me that someone had commented on my status update - when I followed the link however, they hadn't.

But of course, they did. These phantom messages usually appear from people you don't know all that well - strangers from the past who leave a comment, but then retract the decision immediately afterwards - most likely because it was over familiar, or excessively narky (two assumptions based on personal experience).

It's a shame, because I often think these messages would be the most interesting of all - what was so bad about it that you decided to delete it afterwards? Could it really be that fruity?

Regardless, whenever someone does it to me I always do it back to them immediately- just to freak em out a bit - make them think that I must have seen what they wrote, and responded by commenting on their status, before then also removing my response because they'd deleted the original message.

Alternatively, I've devised another brilliantly sadistic game you can all play - just start commenting and deleting all over the place. People will keep clicking to see what you've said, but it'll always be gone by the time they get there.

Obviously when you get people posting stuff like: "Do I look fat in this dress?" you've hit a fucking goldmine.

Go on, have a bash. If you're ever confronted, blame the internet.

Day 26: Mass Affection

Quite a few people this week have asked me about Mass Effect 2, and whether or not it was worth getting.

Problem is, it's a really complicated answer - which is why I haven't replied to any of you. Sorry.

The thing is, there's clearly only one type of person who'd ask if Mass Effect 2 is worth getting - and that's someone who hasn't played Mass Effect. If you've finished the first game, Mass Effect 2 is pretty essential - not only does it continue the flipping brilliant space adventures of captain Shepard, but it basically appears to have taken everything unlikable about the first game and thrown it in the airlock.

First up though , a little about the type of series Mass Effect is - basically it's a space captain simulator, packed to the brim with believable characters, grey morality, and difficult decisions. It's also got a lot of shooting aliens in it - although this is handled with much more finesse in the second game. If you're someone who's open to the idea of not skipping through dialogue in games as long as it's beautifully voiced and genuinely interesting, you'll be in for a treat. If you're consistently intent on skipping everything to get to the next bit of shooting - it might not be your kind of tea party.

Part of me would love to tell people to just skip the first game and play the second one off the bat, avoiding the mildly ropey combat and incredibly slow start in favour of jumping straight into the polished action thrills of the second part. You get a brief synopsis of the first game when you start up a new file, and effectively I'm sure you could get by without knowing all that much about the original.

But this would be an awful waste. The second game plays a lot off your previous knowledge of the incredible universe and characters, showing you how things have changed since you last saw them knowing full well it will evoke an emotional response. It's what Bioware do - and as always - it's executed with a stunning degree of excellence.

Because of this, unlike other sequels where you can read between the lines and quickly pick up the pace, Mass Effect 1 can't be summed up with a fact sheet - because it's all about your experiences, and your perception. I could tell you about all the events, revelations, and characters in Mass Effect, but it wouldn't help in the slightest. When old characters appear in the sequel - it's rarely a case of "Oh COOL! It's THAT guy!" but usually more a sense of "how the hell have you been?" or sometimes - unfortunately - "What on earth happened to you man?"
This is of course amplified by the fact that you can transfer your save file from Mass Effect over to Mass Effect 2, taking with you the decisions - and consequences - of the choices you made in the first game. This blows the whole experience wide open - if a character you know is pretty fucked in the second game, it's not because of a rudimentary decision made by developers - it's probably because of something you did.

So yeah guys, hate to pull the shiny carrot away from your nose - but if you want the same kind of treat that i'm having this weekend, you need to put a bit of time into the first game.

BUT DON'T PANIC - I've created five brilliant tips for how to make your jaunt through the first game much more enjoyable:

DON'T GIVE UP: The first few hours are slow. Awfully slow. But stick with it, seriously - before you know it the drama will have been ramped up to 10.

TAKE IT EASY: The combat is rubbish, and you'll die unfairly all the time anyway. Put the difficulty on easy and this happens much less, meaning you can run around blasting people with shotguns like the mega space captain that you are.

STAY ON THE ROAD: Chances are if you're driving the space buggy around a planet, you're in the wrong place. Mass Effect was infamous for padding out the length of the game with hundreds of planets to explore - all of which were pretty much exactly the same, and far from rewarding. Of course, most of us didn't notice this until we'd spent about 10 hours driving round mining stuff on the blasted places. Throw in a few sidequests if you fancy, but if you start to get bored just get straight back to the main story, which is a total blast.

TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS: Avoid the inventory system whenever possible - it's a frustrating mess. This works best when playing on easy - as you'll only have to upgrade your gear once in a blue moon to keep up the pace.

DON'T THINK ABOUT THE ELEVATORS TOO MUCH: Ignore them, seriously - you'll go fucking insane.

I hope the above is useful, and just remember - it really is worth sticking it out. Enjoy.

Oh, and it also lets you swagger about the universe banging chicks in space - but they didn't write that on the back of the box.

Day 21: Cake Review

Based on a light and moist chocolate foundation, the icing is swirled roughly across the crown of the proud sponge; decorated generously with a shimmer of edible pink and a clutch of stars. The deliciously rich icing is sweet yet subtle, leaving room for tingling tones of cocoa hidden beneath. Encased in a cheerful cherry-red jacket: Disrobed, observed, devoured. Good cake.

10/10

Based on cake provided by Emma Russell - Review session supervised by Rami Mallis.

Day 10: Bayonetta

This week I've been playing a game called Bayonetta. Quick synopsis: It's bonkers. It's also frightfully well made, deeply challenging, and shamefully childish. But before all these things, it's a just a bit bloody mental. I'm aware that not everyone who reads this is an avid gamer, so i'll do my best to keep it grounded. Apologies in advance if I spiral off like a catherine wheel of perplexing jargon.

Basically you play this woman called Bayonetta who's a witch who's got fully automatic pistols in the heels of her shoes and she's wearing this sexy black cat suit but the cat suit is actually made of her hair and when you do moves it uses up your hair so that she's a bit naked but then when you do the big special move the hair turns into a big dog that chomps up the enemies into meaty chunks then she blows a kiss at the camera and decapitates an angel and there's explosions and blood everywhere and it's Mental.

Insanity aside however, I initially found myself a bit on the fence concerning how I feel about the game overall. It's a sentiment that's been echoed throughout the internet a lot over the past few days - some relish the shameless sexual nature of it all, but at the same time many begrudge it; an unwanted throwback to the 'Jugz n' Gunz' trend of the early 1990's, when your typical female protagonist was often unable to engage in conversation without playfully suggesting she might have a semi-automatic weapon concealed in her vagina.

Bayonetta is a bloody excellent game, but I admit I did feel a little torn about how I felt about the overall content. I had a similar experience over Christmas playing Gears of War 2 with my brother on the family telly; It was great fun, but I couldn't help but feel ashamed every time my Dad walked into the room. As it turned out there was no need for this - he surprisingly seemed to enjoy watching us mince up aliens in a hail of gore. Considering this is the same man that wouldn't let me play Mortal Kombat when I was 10, I wasn't happy about this. As impartial spectators of my hobby, I didn't want my parents to accept Gears of War 2 as being a reasonable form of entertainment; from an outside perspective, in my mind Gears of War 2 shouldn't be seen as anything other than a brash and unpleasant collection of monochrome macho slosh. I wanted to make it clear that this was an exception to the rule - because of this, I felt the need to nonchalantly justify to my parents why we were playing the game, and that we were aware of just how stupid and adolescent the overall package was.

It was an unprovoked reaction, and one that most gamers have been guilty of succumbing to at some point. Whilst there are only a few who constantly soldier on trying to convince the world that GAMES ARE FUCKING ART MAN, most of us are happy enough just trying to assure those around us that we're not a sexually deprived idiotic child. Some gamers deal with the second part of this by hamming up the first, often rubbishing games that are clearly brilliant fun simply because they then don't meet a selection of pseudo-socio-prickademic criteria, which is a shame.

Conversely, the other of the spectrum tend to just play games for a laugh, and don't give a shit about any of the deeper stuff in the slightest; an attitude which regularly infuriates intelligamers, fueled further no doubt by the reality that it's the former group which has most control over what faces commercial success/doom. Irritatingly again, it's usually the doing of these brash gamers that leave many of the rest of us defensively justifying why we're playing these dubious looking games: The main reason I'll make it clear to you that I don't masturbate over chainsaws and headshots is because I'm fully aware that there are a big chunk of people out there who genuinely do.

But anyway, Bayonetta. It's a brash and bloody romp with tits in it. Spin yourself a yarn about the hidden feminist nuances if you fancy, or brand it as a violent wank-bank for spotty teenagers. OR, maybe you've decided it's an ironic statement about videogame culture. Personally, I think it's just deeply silly.

Of all the systems and rules videogames have borrowed from other media, the most damaging is the underlying tendency to believe that for a videogame to be truly worthy of critical acclaim, it must be either meaningful, intelligent, or beautiful. Bayonetta is none of these things, and as such the reaction has been to either scoff at the praise it's received, or to weave a web of pretension trying to transcend it into something it's clearly not. 7/10 games however tend to get by a little easier... I personally can't recall a huge debate surrounding the nature of the portrayal of women in Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball, a critically series of games designed to be specially compatible with man-sized tissues.

Bayonetta is uncomfortably cringeworthy at times; a spaghetti junction of absolute nonsense tied together with overblown sexual references and nudity. But fundamentally, beneath all this it's a fucking brilliant game about fighting things. And the wonderful thing is, it's so good at being a a fucking brilliant game about fighting things that it doesn't actually need to be anything else. As fans of the medium, we're able to see what onlookers cannot: The core of the experience that hides away beneath the shiny - sometimes embarrassing - veneer.

If you're able to look through to the core of Bayonetta, I think you'll find it's solid gold.

Day 8: Two Hats

Sometimes I worry that I'm entertaining myself too efficiently. I'm constantly reminded of a backlog of seminal TV shows I've been recommended. I own a wide variety of critically acclaimed videogames, many unfinished - many still wrapped in cellophane. I've got Spotify in my pocket. In my fucking pocket. I'm continually trying to catch up on all of this, and I can't. This incredibly silly guilt means I often find myself trying to squeeze every moment of my free time trying to catch up - guzzling down other people's entertainment, never having to think of how I could make my own.

I guess the main problem I have is how difficult it's become to be utterly bored. Being bored seems rubbish at the time, sure - but it's also a great catalyst for creativity. Thinking about this has reminded me of a time once on on holiday, where my brother got so bored in an airport that he just started throwing things at my face. Eventually, something stuck.

So today, I'd like to teach you the rules of the best two player holiday game ever devised: 'TWO HATS'. If you don't have any reservations about looking like an idiot in a public place, this game will keep you genuinely entertained for hours. Teach it to children, and you might even shut them up for fucking days.


Two Hats - A Game of Two Hats.

First of all, both players will require a hat. Any hats will do, although some hats are more effective than others. Two hats is best played when travelling somewhere sunny, as this will provide the type of wide-rimmed hat that is perfect for a good game of Two Hats. Feel free to experiment with different forms of headgear to find the perfect balance between challenge and comedy.

The Rules:

- Whilst facing the other player, the aim is to lightly throw your hat so that it lands on their head/face and remains there. Once a hat has landed on your head/face, you are not allowed to remove it until the round is over.

- If the throw fails, the hat remains in the possession of the other player, who then takes their turn.

- If you do not have a hat to throw (because it is on your head/face) the other player takes their go.

- When a player has both hats balancing on their head/face simultaneously, the other player has won the round, and will then shout "TWO HATS!" (Optional.)

- One hat on the head/face of each player resets the round.

- If a players vision is partially obscured by a hat covering their face and yet still manages to land a hat on the other player's head/face, the strict bonus point rulings mean that this player automatically wins the round due to awesome.

TOP TIPS!!

- Use a light, flowing wrist action to carefully add spin to the hat, ensuring it slips itself onto their head without bouncing off.

- Aiming directly for the face can be deeply satisfying, particularly when you manage to entirely cover the other player's face (widely regarded by experts as being the true zenith of Two Hats) but exercise caution; this move is easiest to achieve with wide wicker hats, and despite looking like an idiot, your opponent may well retain good visibility for their next - potentially match winning - throw.

PLAY SAFE, KIDS.